Stuff we should already have invented

My cellphone has more gadgets than all of the James Bonds put together, even that dopey Australian one who got married. My computer is so powerful that it has probably already joined a digital army that now controls the world and is so clever that it realised that it was easier if they didn’t tell us about it. If technology is so far along, why haven’t they invented these yet?

#1 Car headlights that turn off when you take the key out
OK, so, Unos used to have this feature; Fiats in general still might. But in the happy years in which I drove an Uno, I found no application for which I would need the lights on when I am not at my car. None. If I need the lights, I could put the key in the ignition, because I was standing there. Needing the lights. When I went away and felt like I should take the keys with me, I didn’t mind that the lights went off, because I had gone away. Do Toyota and VW make car batteries? Controlling share in the AA? I don’t get it.

#2 Laser printers that can print white
Laser printer manufacturers have no doubt seen that coloured paper is available to the general public. Why then have they not made a printer that can use it? If one of them just stuck a white ink cartridge into a home printer, they could own the horrid home-DTP market. Even if it just printed black and white, real white, it would revolutionise your DIY Martha Stewart home scrap-booking capabilities, and it would multiply your opportunities to radically abuse Comic Sans on tacky home publications.

#3 Small tracking devices
Everyone loses stuff. I spend more time looking for golf balls than hitting them. My glasses disappeared. Who hasn’t turned the couch inside-out looking for car keys? Why on earth has technology failed to provide us with little tracking devices that we can stick on things that are easy to lose? Like children for example. You could programme the different signals into your super-powerful cellphone and use it to lead you to your stray item. And then you could have a back-up device for when you lose your cellphone.

I’d buy those things.

Now taking your submissions for other stuff that we should have invented already.


2 thoughts on “Stuff we should already have invented

  1. Debbie says:

    Hey Jordan, buy a Renault – the lights come on automatically when it gets dark (also in underground parking!)on some models but on all models the lights switch off if you’ve left them on and removed the key, so the battery won’t go flat. Don’t suppose they have any shares in battery market! Also they were designed by a woman! The Scenic anyway, makes perfect sense!!

    By the way, were the glasses at Adele’s house yours?

  2. daran says:

    you need to look into RFID tags, doesn’t take much to configure them and you could probably tack one on to every object in your home…


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